… incline the ear of your heart to My voice, which speaks to souls inwardly and gives light and understanding to those who seek it. I am present to you when you open the Scriptures and I want to enlighten you and instruct you. When you read My word, seek My Heart. When you read the Scriptures, seek My Face. You will find My Heart hidden in My word like the treasure hidden in the field, and you will discover My Face shining through the text and illuminating the eyes of your soul. ~ In Sinu Jesu, pages 30 – 31
A few days ago, I learned that some things should not be spoken about. In a conversation with a relative, I had mentioned hearing Jesus’ words, Let Me wash your feet, and I relayed to him the overwhelming joy I had felt as an immediate reaction, even as I did not understand the words at that point in time.
I then wished I hadn’t said anything. Because my relative took it upon himself to darkly hint that those words had multiple meanings. I felt that he was referring to “necessary purification” due to my long ago actions of cutting ties with the immediate family members on my side due to past abuse. He has always disapproved of what I did although I have briefly explained why such a severe response was necessary – and after almost 40 years of trying to make things work. Instead, on multiple occasions, being a church prayer leader, he has tactfully and lovingly offered to pray over me so that I would return to the family fold.
Hearing my relative’s words, the sense of relief from Let Me wash your feet, that Jesus would take care of me – evaporated. At the edges of my spirit, a dark foreboding instead gathered the folds of its cloak to seal the doors and windows to my heart.
How I wished I had just shut up.
Family means the world to me. It means just as much to my otherwise loving relative too. He is a doting husband, father and grandfather who would do anything for his loved ones, including me. Yet, sometimes, the lives we live and the experiences we encounter do not help us perceive more clearly the decisions other people are driven to. Sometimes, despite noble intentions, we make the mistake of holding ourselves and our views up as a model of what should be. We make of ourselves a standard and bid others do as we do without considering that there might be distinct circumstances which set them apart from us, making their journey different.
In the days following this encounter, I forced myself to face the possibility that another round of difficulties awaited me because I needed to be purified again. Although I know well that being cleansed and made whole is an ongoing process with everyone, it still devastated me that God might have announced it to prepare me for more suffering – and not because He felt that I needed to let go and learn to allow myself to be taken care of.
How could I have gotten it so wrong?
Yet, even as darkness gathered closer, another truth shone insistently: even as it pierces, God’s Word is always edifying and strengthening. Even as He comes to prepare us for difficulties and purification, the Word that is truly from God always gives hope. It never fills you with despair.
It never breaks the crushed reed.
This is not about being disappointed at having to face a truth. It’s never easy for anyone to accept a truth we are not prepared for, much less not anticipating. No, this was different because my well-intentioned relative’s words had dimmed the sun and brought cold – to my spirit. A chill that didn’t leave despite prayerful attempts to seek courage for whatever may be ahead. When the spirit recoils from a word, that is always the sign for me that something is not from God.
Then, at Mass yesterday, Jesus stepped forward once more,
My voice, which speaks to souls inwardly and gives light and understanding to those who seek it.
You will find My Heart hidden in My word like the treasure hidden in the field…
Could that have been the reason why my spirit had rejoiced over Let Me wash your feet the first time although my mind was casting about for meaning – because my spirit had perceived hidden treasure in those words spoken inwardly to me?
As Jesus’ words washed over me yesterday in that bright, sunny church, the troubling caused by my kindly and well-meaning relative curled away from me. I knew then that my spirit had perceived God’s Word right the first time. It had seen hope and light and promise – which my relative had not.
Let Me wash your feet
They were my Shepherd’s words, their light and understanding meant for me alone, because not too long ago, He had promised,
I will whisper in your ear,
Just loud enough for you to hear.
writingonmyheart 