A Ways to Go

       

          All I wanted in the past 5 weeks was to be well and active again. To be able to sleep well, to not fear movement and of course, to stop all medications. Yet, for every hill ascended, there has been a valley.

          Every time the sun’s rays reached me, dark clouds rushed in with equal determination. Two weeks after I fell ill, just when I thought I might have turned the corner, I popped my rib as a result of excessive and prolonged coughing. Struggling with the pain, finally, even my prayers seemed consumed by my desire to just be well once more. It was only during family Rosary prayers that I seemed to be freed from this and able to centre my heart on my offerings for May. Thankfully, despite the worsening pain, for some reason, my will to commit to May remained steadfast.

          Still, my spirit was troubled as my physical sufferings were making me focus on myself and it became tough to sink my heart into the things around me. Where once I would stand at my window in the velvet darkness of pre-dawn and stare intently into the skies, tracing the way the stars arranged themselves in the black expanse, listening deeply for the stir of little winds, now I hurried to get to my altar just so I could pray for a miracle healing to come that very day, the kind where Jesus would put out His hand, remove all traces of the cough, put my rib back in its place, secure it so it would stop skittering around, soothe the irritation around it and stop the pain. The kind of miracle that gave me back my life.

          The seeking of this became all consuming.

Please heal me, Lord. I want to live again.

Please heal me,

Please heal me,

Oh, why won’t You heal me?

          But the seeming blackout from heaven puzzled me. I had searched my heart, asking God for forgiveness for every sin since illness can often be a consequence of sin. There remained still some areas in my life that I had given over excessively to work and studies and I saw now that it needed to change and I was ready for it. I even began to turn the page for myself, taking baby steps to reclaim my health and serenity – but hampered by the pain and reduced mobility, I couldn’t go far. Why was heaven so silent, over and over I asked.

          On Ascension Day, I experienced significant healing – though far from complete. Happy and as thankful as I was, with the cough not letting go of me, I knew all it needed was one spasm of it and I would be back to square one, anchored in the well of pain.

          Despite this, something gave way inside me.

I became tired of praying to be healed.

But it wasn’t about losing hope.

The focus on self for close to 40 days now had begun to chaff at me. I was just tired of praying for myself. I was ready to let go. If God wanted, He could heal me in a thrice – but that wasn’t happening. That meant that He had other plans for me and for my suffering.

…there is no middle course. He will have all or nothing.   ~ St Margaret Mary Alacoqué

          And so, I firmed up my jaw and went before Him. I would allow myself just one prayer for healing each day. It would be my candle lit as a sign of my hope. Just one prayer in the morning, and after that, I would unite my sufferings with those Jesus endured. A long time ago, I learned that there is a mystical side to suffering that is willed by God. That as we suffer, some form of incense is released and that it travels towards heaven, received in the depths of the heart of God. If my heavenly Father was asking this of me, I would not deny Him His asking.

          So, from the Feast of the Ascension, I have begun to bind my pain to His, wound by Holy wound, beginning with the crucifixion wound of His left Hand.

Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

     For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

     For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

     For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

          I know not when this will end nor how, but perhaps, this is one of those times when what lies beyond the pasture gate matters little. I will come to that gate at some point.

          Till then, I have a ways to go, for God has need of my pain.

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