To Accept

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          Who knew it is possible to be gently happy and at peace even in sadness and uncertainty? With each passing day taking me closer to the day when I might lose my job, I expected the pain within me to intensify to the point of bitter grief. Instead, here I am, filled to the brim with a strange sweetness, a pink and white nectar I’ve never known before. And not only am I sustained through the hours, I can even sense a silver brook tumble elfin bells within me.

          Even as one life seems to be winding to its end, another has already begun. Towards the end of May this year, I finally admitted to myself that I was experiencing a deep burnout over work. Despite the changes I had made and the improved quality of life, it still wasn’t enough to shore up what was inevitably crumbling. Even though I could still handle work and do it well, something was clearly dying inside me. All the years of struggle and tyranny had taken its toll. I only wanted to stay on for financial reasons, nothing else mattered any more. Even then I wondered how long I’d hold out, because although money is important, it has never been a major motivation for me. When I reached breaking point, would money be enough to convince me to stay on?

          At that point, everything that held me in place fast fraying, one Sunday in May found me musing about trying something, something different that would offer a respite from the intensity of life as it was then. If I couldn’t escape from my job, could I then build another world within it, a new world that would nourish and sustain me even as the old one drained me dry?

          The minute I began to give it serious consideration, something was set in motion. Despite being filled with trepidation and doubt in myself, I applied to go back to school, fulfilling a dream I’ve long had. Even as fear and shame over my lack of abilities and past failures held me back many times, the moment I opened one door, it seemed as if unseen hands were gently pushing me from behind and tugging me forwards. 

          On and on, those unseen souls led me down one rutted path after another. Sometimes, overcome by fear, I would question my sanity in attempting something like this. If I could barely manage my job, how was I to study and work? Was this not the height of lunacy?

          In response, yet another door would open. Keep your eyes on the Lord and move forward, St Margaret Mary said.

          Just as the storms whipped around me more violently, the acceptance notification came on the Feast of St Teresa of Calcutta, to shine a light through the gathering darkness. And it was significant because 11 years ago, St Teresa had taken me on a journey through the book on her life, Come Be My Light. At the end of that journey 11 years ago, I understood what carrying our cross and following Jesus meant. While I fell many, many times since then, I know that those lessons St Teresa taught me have brought me to this point in time when light is somehow piercing this darkness. There are some days when I still I cry and rage at the world for the unfair hand it is dealing me and my family – but I cannot remain in the pit for long, for there are books to read and words to write, meetings to attend and thoughts to think.

          Today, on the Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross, little bells are stirring in my spirit. Their light chimes lead me to forgive all who are hurting us. To ask for the grace of silence as I carry my cross as Jesus did.

          And finally, to accept with humility and with generosity of giving, the will of my Jesus that sometimes we must suffer so that someone else is saved.

 

 

 

14 comments

  1. This is so very true. My suffering has been very great and is so now. Horribly so. But through that, my husband if 52 years has come to God. Keep going Cautlynn.

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    1. Your journey has indeed been incredibly difficult, Lorraine. Yet, equally incredibly, you’ve skippered your ship through every storm imaginable. Through the miracle with your husband, Jesus seems to be saying, I see everything. I love you, little one.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thankyou so much Caitlynne. And I believe He is saying exactly the same to you too. Hard though things often seem for us, and the agonies we go through, He is there even though we don’t always feel Him. And today it is the Feast Day of Our Lady of Sorrows and She to guides us and holds us in Her arms. God bless you Caitlynne

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  2. Praying for you in these times. In life, there are always shadows, fears that creep up out of nowhere, shadows that might block our path. God always finds us amidst the shadows, His Holy Light, illuminating our way. God knows the paths ahead, the steps you will take, the plan you cannot possibly see. It is a comfort to know that He walks with us when the shadows flicker without end. But, there in the flickering shadows, He takes hold of your hand. His light, most holy, is enough. His angels too, stand watch. Armies of angels. And, you must only go one step at a time in faith…just keep going.

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  3. This is wonderful that you have a sense of peace and well-being surrounding you! The Holy Spirit will make a way and smooth your path… Congratulations on being on the brink of a new episode in life’s journey!!

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  4. I don’t know what trials you and your family are facing, but I think you are handling them in the best possible way. Following the example of Jesus and trusting in the guidance of the holy spirit is always a good thing. And I’ll keep you all in my prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Ann. You’ve helped me move forwards many times and I’m counting on your prayers to keep me from wavering. Keeping my eyes on Jesus is tough – I’ve always been like one of those sheep that does its own thing😁. But this is a massive test we are facing. Only God can get us to the other side safely.

      Liked by 1 person

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