This morning, I returned to an old garden, hidden from the busy walkways of life. There, I plucked two blooms and carried them back with me in my heart ~ my two children returned to Heaven through miscarriage.
Later, a struggle with anger against oppressors, worsening with every mile to church. All through Mass. Wanting to protect my children. Planning. Then, not sure if anything I do will work. Twenty years of this, worse now because of the kids and the danger they face.
I tried saying the Rosary during our drive to church but I couldn’t focus on a single Mystery then. So, I resorted to simple Hail Marys, little roses for my Mother. I couldn’t seem to offer anything else. I wished She would say just one word to me.
Just before Mass began, I was with my Diary – Divine Mercy in My Soul. Speak to me, please, I begged. The entries I read were to do with Confession. I read them carefully, searching for His voice. I couldn’t hear anything clearly. I moved on. Then, I remembered that we were planning for Confession. I went back to the Confession entries.
Concerning Holy Confession.
We should derive two kinds of profit from Holy Confession:
1. We come to confession to be healed;
2. We come to be educated-like a small child, our soul has constant need of education. ~ #Entry 376
I understood the words. But I could not access the direction and comfort I was desperate for. Then, somehow, I lost my place in the book. Searching, I stumbled upon something – O Blessed Host… Despite my inner turmoil, I was drawn to those words.
O Blessed Host, our only hope in the toil and monotony of everyday life.
O Blessed Host, our only hope amid the ruin of our hopes and endeavors.
O Blessed Host, our only hope in the midst of the ravages of the enemy and the efforts of hell.
The efforts of hell. Yes. That aptly described what I was facing, what the kids and my husband were facing.
As the Host was raised, I cried out with heart and soul,
Save us, Jesus!
Save us, Jesus!
Later, listening intently to my pastor’s words, quiet and gentle, unhesitating in his counsel, my soul was educated, and directed towards hope.
And towards the seeking of angels.
Just before his final prayer, this gentle priest who has known much suffering, told me to offer Heaven a gift. Two Hail Marys. Roses for my Mother. A softness stole into my heart.
I knelt to pray. Heart and soul, I offered up the Hail Marys. I begged Mother Mary to keep my children safe.
Then, I remembered my two little loves.
Two roses. One for each, for our Mother.