Rise and Return

          This long road of my hope and faith breaking must have begun months before – when the struggles began to add up, and consolations were few and far between, and perhaps, too little, too mild. Heartache over political situations, problems with kids, work issues. Trying to get over one rise after another, rather than face it head-on, I might have inadvertently chosen to blank out some of my disappointment that God hadn’t shown His hand in a stronger way. And bit by bit, that hurt must have grown and widened to the sorrowful proportions I am now forced to acknowledge.

          My faith is tattered and broken in places. It’s not a complete breakdown, but every tear, however minute, needs fixing.

          But it is beyond me. This is not any random fabric. This is the silk~spread of faith, woven from grace, triumph and loss by a Master Weaver. I neither know how to weave nor mend. I am not He, and never will be.

          I am trying to be strong but just cannot pretend hope tonight. My jug of oil is empty. I am spiritually weary. So, I will rise and return to my Father. At His feet I will kneel. One by one, every thorn and nail I will name, and into His Hands I will place, each weep and tear unshed. Where will this emptying take me I do not know.

          But I must start somewhere.

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8 comments

  1. Caitlynnegrace, I know, I have also lived through this, thanks be to God. It is brutal. Be honest, feel it fully, and be honest. I remember this, and wrestling with God, and bringing it to the Sacrament of Confession. I remember saying to the priest, “God’s silence…!!!” and not even being able to finish my sentence. Please, no matter what, just keep praying. Sometimes, it doesn’t even feel like prayer. I used to hold my rosary, and just pray the rote prayers, not even attempting to meditate, because I simply couldn’t, but I knew if I could get around the chain saying the prayers, at least I knew I had made an attempt, and my desire to do so was in itself a prayer. And God WILL bless you greatly. I also at times did say to Him in times of great need (financial), “Lord, you know I have no one but You. Please do not just have pity, but act.” And honestly, sometimes something miraculous would happen, or not, but we somehow managed. Then, there was one day…in the painful dryness of those dark prayers, that I thought of St. Paul’s canticle, “if I have faith to move mountains, but I don’t have love, I am nothing…” (paraphrasing). That passage in Corinthians literally came alive for me, and God’s light broke through in a powerful way. I knew, that even if I levitate during prayer, it doesn’t matter, if I don’t love. Since then, I have never been concerned about feelings during prayer, or not. It is up to God. The other painful situations also managed to work out, with a breakthrough/epiphany in one moment, that it was me who was not trusting. This came through the help of St. Teresa the Little Flower. I had to take some leaps of faith after that. It was scary, but I had all of heaven as my help. You do too. Keep praying, keep persevering. God WILL see you through this. Are you Catholic? The Sacraments are your immense help also. Confession and the Eucharist. The Lord is your Master, and know that He is serving you, washing your feet, and leading you to truer blessedness, truer faith, truer hope, and truer love through all this. This is good. Let Him lead you. I will keep you in prayer. You are loved, and you are blessed. Abandon all to Him.

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  2. Dear Daughter of Your Handmaid,
    I saw your comment just after I had held my Rosary (yes, I am a practising Catholic). I had intended to just offer up my hurt and failings, but holding the Rosary, I felt moved to create my own Chaplet. And I did.

    Right after, I saw this. Your words brought tears to my eyes. I have walked your journey many times, yet I keep coming back to this point of brokenness. What you wrote, especially, Lord, you know I have no one but You. Please do not just have pity, but act.., had a special impact on me. Reading them, I said these words immediately: Lord, give me hope! It felt like I had suddenly been able to jump and say out the words in a courage I didn’t have before this.

    The moment I did, I had a brief flash of vision of myself trying to mend broken windows with tattered pieces of oilskin. Now I understand what has been happening. I have been trying to give myself hope. I have been trying to feed my spirit. And that it why it has come to this.

    Suddenly, it all makes sense. The call from 2 days’ back – to stay by the water’s edge – and allow a feeding, my friend’s vision this evening as he wrote to me – of a woman sipping tea and watching the rain – was actually God’s plea to me to allow Him to nourish me.

    Thank you very much for taking the time and trouble to write me this comment that has helped me see what I need to, Daughter. Thank you for the prayers too. I certainly need them. May He bless you for everything.

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  3. Blessed be Jesus, who is so good! I am very happy to read these words; thank you so much for responding. I am glad that you are feeling some solace and peace today. You are in good hands – in His hands. How blessed we are to support each other in prayer and discipleship.

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  4. I awoke early this morning before anyone else as is my daily practice so that I could spend quiet time with God. In spite of the cold and snow, the sun was shining and it was a beautiful morning. Somehow I got this feeling that God would send me a sign today…a sign of hope and faith and He did. He did in the form of your email sharing the comments on this post. He brought the warmth of the sun into my heart as well into my eyes through you and those who commented. Thank you for being His messenger for me today. As always you and yours are in my prayers.

    Ellen

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