I Bind my heart to Yours

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          Two days ago, an old wind blew strong and took me towards a wound I wanted to forget. Someone told me things I hadn’t known at the time of the wounding. When she was done, I felt as if little was left standing in my life.

          As I walked those hours in that renewed shattering, this revelation hurt to the point I was not able to pray. I had nothing left in me that could move me to seek heaven for others. Despite seeing what this was doing to my calling, I was overwhelmed by sadness; I could not turn away. I could not break free of the hurt that I was now being hurt by those I had never before hurt.

          Those I had held close to my heart and loved for almost 20 years. 

          Now, in returning to the place where hurt was so deep that it allowed no light in, I let myself be borne away by brackish waters. I was leaving Mother Mary. Leaving Her outstretched arms. Deserting Her and others to the battle in the vineyard I was called to.

I let the flood win. I didn’t fight to swim upstream.

          As the waters drew me deeper and further away, my heart turned to the Cross I had vowed to love. The very one whose splinters now sank deep and drew blood from my soul. I didn’t want to leave Jesus. But I had no power of my own not to, either.

          With a will I didn’t have, I called out to Mother Mary, for a hope I didn’t have either:

I bind my heart to Yours.

Tonight, I cannot be strong,

Head I cannot hold up

Love I cannot give;

I bind my heart to Yours,

I bind my heart to Yours.

 

          Today’s reading was from 2 John 4 – 9,

But now, Lady, I ask you,
not as though I were writing a new commandment
but the one we have had from the beginning:
let us love one another.
For this is love, that we walk according to his commandments;
this is the commandment, as you heard from the beginning,
in which you should walk.

          I cannot love those who stone me and my family. There is nothing I want not to do as much as this. But the Heart I am bound to asks this of me. I might not be able to love as heaven wishes me to, but Mother Mary whose heart I am bound to, can.

          No light in my spirit. No tumbling of joy at the revelation. No surge of strength. But I know what I have to do.

          And so I rise and whisper,

Help me to love as I should,

I bind my heart to Yours.

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