Struggling with my will these past days, having to tamp it down every few minutes or so. The very moment I surrender, I take it right back. Never before than in these days have I been so aware of my willfulness, and of my struggle to surrender my all to God without telling Him how to do His job. And there I was, short days before, blithely advising others to release, to let go, to trust the Lord – serenely unaware of the depth of my own weakness!!
Once heaven gave me the sight to see, I knew I needed grace to win this one. I knew enough to know that I couldn’t go very far on my own imperfect strength and wisdom. Besides, I was here on earth to do His will, and not to bend Him to my will.
But I needed help to stop doing just that!
And it came, through the gentlest of hands, The Cloistered Heart.
In Nancy Shuman’s inspired post, My Offering, I first heard that my Lord loved me, and would do anything to save me.
I have waited, waited for the Lord, and He stooped toward me and heard my cry. He drew me out of the pit of destruction, out of the mud of the swamp; He set my feet upon a crag; He made firm my steps, and He put a new song into my mouth, a hymn to our God. Many shall look on in awe, and trust in the Lord ~ (Psalm 40:2-4)
I didn’t know that I needed to hear I was loved; I was too busy trying to be brave and strong and tough for others. Seeing the words, I felt the tension ease, and I leaned heavily in relief against my Saviour, and in a breath, bequeathed Him my willfulness:
Jesus, I give You my whole heart and my whole will. They once rebelled against You, but now I dedicate them completely to you…Receive me, and make me faithful until death ~ (St. Alphonsus Liguori)
I felt the struggle leave me.