God of I

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          Being a sinner, I am wont to visit old haunts better left alone. I paid one such visit last night, and it was a visit that did no one any good. I left the path of prayer and faith to visit the familiar world of thwarted plans, frustrations, and old hurts. It was a world of illusion and deception because it’s where I become my god, and I overwrite His decrees. Where I break free from Truth, and breathe my interpretation of how events should have turned out.

          It is a place where I think I can both have God and be my own God. Where there is no necessary waiting, and maturing is fast tracked. Where prayers and good deeds tumble through a temporal vending machine, and yield instant results that generate happiness and satisfaction. This world I tread from time to time has clouds, but they do not linger for long, for I am, sadly, not one for the long haul of trial and tribulation.

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          In this overcast space a breath away from reality, I go back to old hurts and broken dreams with a menacing determination – to will a path different from Heaven’s, because I have trouble conforming to the Will of God in what has transpired. It is where I tinker with consequences and write a different ending, always immediately vindicated, triumphant and tearless. Mistakes, if any, are quickly righted with no blighted endings. In this Son-less place, I have conquered all my demons, and I am all perfect and all-knowing, the beginning and end of Wisdom.

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          But this place I should never darken lies in the eternal shadow of fallacy and illusion. The only reality it boasts of is the bitterness of past pains. Here, sorrows from times gone by do not heal, because the remedy  – recourse to God – is shunned. Here, sorrow is papered over. There is no real maturing of faith, because there is no real god, save the God of I.

          The God of I reacts with revulsion to long years of trials and tribulations, seeing the mercy of the true God too daunting a journey to undertake to seek. The God of I sees no merit in suffering, disappointment and loss, which is why it seeks to hasten a soul’s journey to assumed perfection by shortcuts and deception. By a re-configuring of painful but necessary Truths, the God of I leads me, and too many others, away from the Heaven of the Cross.

          The gold of the world of I is mere dross, but it is powerful in its enticement because we believe in the illusions it projects – that suffering is wrong and must be cut short. That in sorrow, it is our solution, not God’s, that is best.

          That God needs to be told what to do.

          In this world where we are gods, the “I” eclipses everything else. We stubbornly persist in worship of ourselves – our opinions, our plans, the way we want to live life, because it seems foolish to place our lives in the hands of a God who asks that we give up materialism, selfishness, pride, unforgiveness. Because with our intelligence and talents, it seems utterly stupid to yield to humility and to ask for the grace of being small and forgotten in order to See the Truth.

          It doesn’t make sense at all.

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          And yet, there comes a point in almost every life, where the two worlds can and must no longer be straddled. When the choice must be made between life in the world God wants us to live in, and the world where we make gods of ourselves. One shrouded in mists. The other a burst of lurid, wanton colours.

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          In the world of the God of I, happiness and satiation are easily achieved, yet, they sour as quickly, into emptiness and desolation. The suspect incense of every plan and plotting rises seemingly swiftly, but sinks even more rapidly in the quicksand of rejection and idolatry, because the true God is shunned.

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          In the world willed by God, there is blood and grief, but for every sorrow, there are diamonds of silverpure joy, woven together by threads of obedience, humility and joyful suffering, into the Crown of Life that awaits us at the end of the road.

          Two choices. The sorrow of now followed by the joy of the next life. Or, the satiation by the present, ending with eternal death.

          We cannot have them both. It is time to decide.

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8 comments

  1. Well, there you go, Miss Perfect, being honest and vulnerable within your imperfections. Dichotomy must be your middle name.
    Now I guess I and everyone else will have to look (unwillingly) into our mirrors of failure. Boy…just when I was starting to like myself. Imagine that!
    What would we do without you and a gracious forgiving and loving God?
    Thank you.
    God’s Child

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    1. Dear Friend of my Soul,
      You might be surprised to know that whilst the words to the God of I came from my heart, they in fact took on a very firm voice and ministered very strongly to me when I read them over a day later. Almost as if to say, Ok, you’ve taken a look at your soul, but now it’s time to come down from your perch, get down on your knees and really scrub house! Nothing like a timely dose of humility, I’d say 😀

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  2. Ahh…the “Fall” again…the grasping at the forbidden fruit of good and evil to make ourselves into gods of illusion. I love this introspective look at our choices and their consequent realities. Even Jesus forces a choice of “you are either with me or you are against me.” Now, if I can just get out of the way so to experience the “diamonds of silverpure joy,” and eventually the woven together “Crown of Life that awaits us at the end of the road.” I have lots of scrubbing to do as well!!! Beautiful writing Caitlynnegrace!! God bless you on your journey…..

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  3. Caitlynnegrace, should I be threatened by my ego-self? Of course, I should! It is always there…calling in it’s whimpering, pitiful voice to “Look at ME! Don’t “I” deserve to be seen…to be real?”
    That ME tempts my glance into the darkness, then draws me into it’s wicked world of pride and self indulgence…and death, if I listen. It can be so hard not to sin.
    I don’t have your talent for imagery, but here is a feeble sketch of what Our Lord has shown me about my struggle.
    I am standing in a dark room with two windows. One faces into an even darker space with thick murky clouds. The other looks out into a place filled with light and color. When I listen to the call from the darkness and look through the pane, I see my own reflection in the glass…alone and disfigured. (Is that the “Real” me?)
    But when I turn to look into the light, the glass seems invisible and I see only the beauty of what lies beyond. In both cases, I am still in my own interior room…with all of the Dark ME right behind me all the time. To leave this space fills me with fear…like death. I know that God is calling me to actually step out of my room into the light, but it resist. Why? I’m not sure. What if I let go and jump into that light filled place. I pray…”lead ME not into temptation, but deliver ME from evil.”…and, taking His outstretched hand, jump into God’s gentle loving arms. Warmth, peace. Why would I ever go back?

    Romans – 7:9 to 8:10. St. Paul says it all.

    God’s Child

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    1. God’s Child,
      Yours is a simple, clutter-free imagery which perfectly illustrates our minute-by-minute struggle to give up the dark of sinful familiarity to go towards the light of the unknown. I sometimes wonder if our reluctance to go towards Light and to remain in it, is ensnared in the strange comfort we find in sin, and it is a comfort we seek because we possess a rebellious streak, a rebellious will which rests only in shadows?
      If it is so, perhaps this prayer Jesus taught me might help us all ~ Mother Mary, I commend my spirit into Your hands.

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