Some years ago, in the rain-drenched month of December, I heard the insistent whisper of four words that cut through the fog in my head: Go Beyond The Veil. Day and night for weeks, every single minute, and even the very second I opened my eyes from sleep, the words beat an insistent drum on my soul. Go Beyond The Veil, Go Beyond The Veil, Go Beyond The Veil.
I thought my time was up. Had He come to call me?
No, Lord, I fought back, Not now. The kids are so small, I am not ready yet. Not for another great many years.
Go Beyond The Veil.
In a twist over the urgency of the voice and its message, I asked someone what it might mean. She said it was to go into the holy of holies, right before the Throne of God.
I recoiled inwardly because the last thing I wanted at that time, was to stand before a God who I considered harsh and unfeeling. One I had called out to so many times, begging for help, for release, but to no avail. Go to the God who gave me an exquisite joy, and yet, reached out and took that joy away?
I fled as far I could. No, No, No.
The voice then stilled.
Many a pot-holed road travelled years later, with all manner of stumbles and trip-ups and lurching into mud puddles, I am now beginning to grasp the true meaning of Go Beyond The Veil. It was not a summons to judgment or death. It was a love-invitation to part the gossamer mist that separated the gray swirls of my life, and the bloom of Light where my abode should have been. It was the Hand I had prayed for but never recognized when it came.
Go Beyond The Veil was the call to the child within me that I never knew existed. The Hidden Child. One who peeked at the life I led, from behind curtains. Who lived in silent spaces, never intruding, quiet and in hope of release some day. So, release her I have, this year.
Where once I stumbled tiredly to the kitchen to begin each day,
The Child Once Hidden now watches the violet blue unfurling of the dawn sky;
She spends restful minutes under the shade of zinnias,
And pauses to allow the jasmines to bless her
For many years staring, yet not seeing the blooms in the morning rays
She now bends in humble homage for the pink blush petals to bless her soul;
Rediscovered delighting in trims and trinkets
Soul’s repose she seeks now in her Mother’s beads;
Where once she turned away from mothers holding a child in embrace
The Child Once Hidden now laughs and giggles
Treasuring and honouring Life’s pearls and tears.
I no longer lament loss.
But neither do I welcome it, for that strength is not mine just yet.
I do not rue wasted years, for to get to where I now stand, that was the only route.
I have finally found Life in the love God blessed me with ~ the enduring and precious gift of husband and children.
I have always loved them.
The gift of Love that was always, always there.